I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
What's the point of having 3 fuck buddies when their periods all seem to sync up
I know you claim to have a large penis but I do not believe in what i cannot see. Sort of like god.
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
Something about Sunday night screams phone sex
Also, I've finally come to the point in the relationship when having sex with socks on is ok.
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
besides the unzipped fly, the black eye and the toilet paper on your shoe you looked really sexy today baby!
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