Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
4 am. She strained the mac and cheese onto her legs. She has no skin.
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
I guess I made wings because there's chicken everywhere. Even on the walls. 3 of them. It's like a chicken grave yard.
There was blow residue on my chem book and my TA was like, did u stain your notebook with CaCO3?
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
but, alas, I am not the lady in the streets. I'm simply the freak in the sheets.
At one point I was counting his nipple hairs to calm myself down.
AMAZON SELLS SEX SWINGS!
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