Tell me exactly where it said it wasn't a unisex bathroom.
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
We had sex on the hood of my car and broke the windshield.
RJ thinks I should put one of the muffins in my vagina. Good idea or bad idea?
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
After an orgasm, I always feel the urge to sing A Whole New World from the move Aladdin and I'm not quite sure why.
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
Randomize
