i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
watching espn. realized that the exact place those sportcenter guys are is where I got laid on the beach last superbowl. my sex spot is broadcasted nationwide
This is so pathetic it makes me miss snorting lines alone in my room listening to 'one more drink'.
No, pictures of your dick will not make me feel better about my grandmother having a brain tumor.
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
Got so high i fell asleep kyaking...for 2 hours.
it’s my vagina i can do what i want to
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
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