The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
and thats how i got kicked in the balls by micky mouse
i don't even want to say how many boners i've caused this week
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
3pm strippers are depressing
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
That would warm my breasts.
In this context breast is a metaphor for soul.
Lets both be adults and never talk about last night again.
and Katie got too high with the tow truck driver and wants to go home
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
It's Scottsdale, it shouldn't be this hard to find drugs.
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
Her 4ft mother helped 5ft10 passed out me from the car to my girlfriend's bed at 1am...with whopper in hand
Would you by any chance know if there is a proper protocol for traveling with one's vibrator? I wouldn't want the TSA to rip open my suitcase in front of my boss.
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
Randomize
