I'll forget this but out at 4am with a lesbian model at lil waynes bday party for the record
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
Well, you're either very drunk or very high but I'll let it slide because I love any type of conversation concerning cheese.
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
After this weekend my vagina will follow his penis anywhere. It’s like the pied piper, but with penis
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
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