I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
went out last night and woke up on the bathroom floor again, thinking about just moving my bed in there.
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
Buying Plan B right after a lecture on feminism. It's nice to know who I can thank for that right.
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It's 3:30pm, I've been out of bed for an hour and spent most of that barfing. We're switching to beer next debate.
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
just answer this one ? for me. why is there human shit in my shower right now?
Randomize