You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
There is blood on the door to my room, I have to go to sleep
Dad's teaching me to make moonshine this weekend as "college prep". How scared should I be sis?
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
The way I see it, there's 2 types of friends. Those you should do drugs with, and those you really,really shouldn't.
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
Randomize
