Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
he asked me if i had ever jacked off high and then referred to it as a "man-to-man question"
apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
He said i got a new job lets blow this money he bought 4 bottles at the club he is now crying after seeing the reciept
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
i feel like spreading the word of drunken joy.
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
Yes.
If there aren't any tits where you are, you're doing it wrong.
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
Randomize
