How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
i just did the math...im a product of my mothers birthday sex
I think im drinking tonight later on...which is good cuz i walked pass the liquor aisle the other day and i swear i heard a kid call me a pussy
Really? How much of his life do you think he remembers? I'm pretty sure 75% of it qualifies as "kind of a blur".
....I found a picture of what appears to be the underneath side of the barstool (taken from the floor) and to top that, 9 pictures of the ceiling. Also, did I mention there's a picture with us posing with a pregnant lady at the bar?! WELP
its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
I couldn't find the bathroom last night...so I wrapped myself in the curtains and stuck my butt out the window and peed from two stories up. Thank god I don't remember.
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.