OK...I gotta go get strawberry short cake cakes and knee pads
So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
yeah they are definitely having sex in that car. joe just yelled through the window telling them to do the "titanic hand print thing"
I heard liver failure is in for 2012 anyways
23 People Confess Why They Don’t Talk To Their Best Friend Anymore
You just kept screaming at everyone 'not to break your scarf' and doing somersaults
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
These 17 Delivery Dudes Suck At Their Jobs But Are Winning At Life
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
Two really nice girls helped clean the taco out of my hair.
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
I'm at 45 minutes post orgasm, and I still feel my insides spasming. Pretty sure I just fucked Superman.
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban