why would she cut her hair? she needs all the distractions possible from those texas-sized gums and horse teeth.
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
You sucked a guys dick who's name was Chad and that wasn't a sign that it was a bad idea?!
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
Left him blackout in the cab, gave 20$ to the cabbie and said drive until the meter said he wasn't getting a tip.
Bangkok has him now.
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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