Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
He was uncircumcised
It was like inception. A penis within a penis within a penis
ders ninda duuude pooring goden shots ov glory. I see em an i dont but there hear.
are you attempting voice recognition while drunk again?
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
Randomize
