I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
Just got done reading an 11 page essay for class. Took me three fucking days and the only thing I have highlighted is the name "Alexander Cockburn"
there are 10 yearolds here who keep calling me on the elbow rule!
Wait are they playing beer pong to?
the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.
Well it was 11am and we were walking to the market with red cups in our hands yelling NO JUDGEMENT at every car that passed
Monday morning margarita madness at ny house. Yes before wheel of fortune. Yes day drinking.
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
Ahahhahaha I'm not that stupid but then again I thought cabo was in Africa until yesterday
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
also i don't know what you guys ate last night but he broke the toilet
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
you said, "I wonder what your mum is doing right now." in the middle of sex, of course I threw up on you.
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