I puked a lego.
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
You obviously dont comprehend the level of insane i operate at
You may genuinely find a use for the siphon. But the bag of human hair is less likely.
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
A guy just picked up ur brother and carfied him away singing and im slight concern
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
He's gonna do me a solid for doing her a solid. It's like pay it foward. But with sex.
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
Randomize
