I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
hell yes lets make some ravioli
If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
Lets start the night off early. Those Coronas arent going to throw themselves up.
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
You were yelling in my ear let's double team her with her right next to us
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
Randomize
