There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
I feel like abortions should bother me more
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
There are some college kids out at 4 in the morning dragging each other on a sled behind a bike. its too entertaining to call the cops
This girl did not understand, once police sirens go on, road-head needs to STOP
Granted I did fall into a pond wearing your dress, but I did save a frog in the process so I think it was worth it.
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
We found him in the backyard throwing shoes onto the roof yelling "WHO BRINGS CROCS TO A HOUSE PARTY?!"
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
We hooked up in his car and afterwards he cried. I think I need to find a new hookup...
I just want a simple guy who likes cats, tattoos, and doing coke off my tits.
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
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