So I just googled the ten commandments... Were fucked.
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
its not fair. if i was a guy, i'd be getting a high five for banging two in one night.
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
OMG CHARGE YOUR PHONE I NEED TO KNOW IF THIS IS A GOOD PICTURE OF MY ASS
Pain in my heart, regret in my vagina
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
Out of all the things you could eat off of my tits you choose lettuce? Thats so healthy. Yuck.
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
WHAT A DUMBASS ugh I'm so glad he looks like a middle aged dad now
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
Randomize
