She acts like you when your on meds
She acts like batman?
She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
I may have tried to encourage people to play a new game I invented last night. I called it Super Quarters. Like regular quarters, only using an AA medallion.
im on the hungover til tuesday pabst blue ribbon diet
The only person I have to bring is crazy hospital guy
HE'S NOT INVITED!!!
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
COME TO THE TOP OF THE MOUNTAIN AND I WILL GIVE YOU MY SAGE ADVICE.
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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