She tried to have sex with him but he quote unquote respected her
My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
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You've had your dick in my mouth. I don't think there are all that many barriers in our friendship at this point.
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
It's now 8:05 on a Wednesday night and I'm already going home with my bra in my purse.
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
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He started going down on me while we were watching Land Before Time.
Incredible.
When we were finished I asked him how long it had been since he'd cum that hard. He thought really hard for a while before telling me his brain forgot how years worked.
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
It was a strange night. I made out with his college roommate and said "do you care?" beforehand.
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
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