if you take his cock out, you have to give him a bj. it's like giving a moose a muffin.
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
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Russians do not operate on the same level as the rest of us. hoping I wake up tomorrow
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
You were drunk it couldn't have been that bad
I've never been drunk enough to enjoy getting a blister on my dick.
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Hopefully this dress says "let me rent your house" and not "let me suck your dick for money"
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
Now that mom and dad sold the camper, do you think it's okay to talk about all the sex I had in it?
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
I was playing 'If You Had To Fuck One or Die' with the old composite pictures with a guy in the bathroom line. They were all pretty ugly so I go "You can tell this is a lower tier frat"......turns out the guy was a brother
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