he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
You couldve had sex with 2 drunk chicks on an alligator slide.
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
I left him a voicemail saying i went through with the abortion and he texts me back one thing... the bbm "phew" face. really?
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
Check the bible. I hear he keeps his weed in leviticus.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
Plus it's a good way to scope out guys. Have them fight for you, like real males do in nature.
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
She said if you lived here it would be like the x rated version of 3's company
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
Randomize
