i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
Hes laying on the floorn in the bathroom telling Jesus to raise the flag
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
This guy needs to come out; I can feel him sucking my dick from across the room.
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
Hes wearing a shirt that says warning shitshow and i cant help but think his attorney made him wear it so ppl know the dangers.
Whatever happend to that lawsuit where he got sued for shittig in that fish tank
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
I blacked out in the cab last night... Cant remember getting in the front door, also i got into bed with my grandma.
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
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