My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
we got back to my place and he started talking about feelings. i politely told him to leave and that he managed to cock block himself.
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
He spent 6 hours at the ER after crashing a motorcycle and still came to the bar, Ofcourse I went home with him. He's my hero.
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
See what happens chris. I told u not to invite her over. Now shes on her way to jail and were stuck with two pomeranians.
I whispered "you're doing a great Job" when he was fucking me. Then high fived him.
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
Just blowing bubbles with my nipple rings in my shower.
You always make things weird.
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
yeah, but I wanna be the girl that makes him realize he's 100% gay
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
She just texted me saying "come over and eat me out, my vagina smells like honey glazed ham." I know I shouldn't be, but i'm just so curious.
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
Randomize
