dude! the alphabet song and twinkle twinkle little star are like the same tune
what drug did you take to come to that conclusion??
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
Btw, I'm really high so I apologize if anything I say gets translated into arabic.
you know what sucks? talking to chicks you dont want to have sex with
My roomate just said the he would "tap dat" to the 13 out of control girl on maury. Im finding a new place in the morning.
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
When and where the fuck did we get a beach ball??
So his roommate walked in on us, went upstairs to tell her bf she has found a new use for the rafters & they must try it.
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
Stoned stonnnnnnned on the raaaaange
It doesn't count as "finding the lesbian" if you fuck a straight girl!
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
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