Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
I projectile vomited in his sisters room where the toiled would have been if it were the bathroom.
How was your 8:30 class today?
Non existent. I just threw up in my water bottle on the bus.
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
Well I'm sleeping with two of them cause they have nice cars. And the third cause she has a big rack. I'm just really waiting for it all to blow up in my face so I can find a girl I'm actually interested in
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
It wasn't a great time! You grabbed me, picked me up, and make me pee in the sink!
its hard to say precisely how it happened, but the next thing i knew i was on top of a mountain
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
