So would u like to explain why you ate all my pickels and took my 1800?
About that, i have your 1800 on my desk with intentions of returning it but theres nothing i can do about the pickels
It wasn't awkward until he started humming the Rocky theme song in the middle of fucking
Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
You know the gilmore girls would be alright if it was on mute the whole time
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
Nothing better than going to Mass on Easter Sunday with "I love penis" henna tattooed across your back. Love your Indian culture.
Don't you judge us. Sockets make ideal bowls
Last night was so embarrassing. I got like almost blackout drunk and threw up in my hand and then blamed it on someone else.
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
Its like he got lessons from Jesus on how to use his tongue. And his dick.
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
Randomize
