Needless to say, wine tasting turned into wine chugging
not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.
unfortunetly they frown upon drunk on duty paramedics
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
You told my mom you were going to "Raw Dawg some randoms." That Drunk.
I slept with him because his girlfriend should know better than to be with him given is reputation. It was like sex and a lesson all in one.
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
In honor of Sarah Palin's bday I suggest we watch Nailing Palin
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
She asked what a chaser is. I died a little inside, please come back..
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
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