my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
there is beer in every square inch of this apartment and he hasn't even lived in it for 24 hours. we're playing some game that involves slamming beer, beer pong and smacking people's cups out of their hands.
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
Omg. I felt like a crazed animal last night. My lesbian instincts burned a hole in my panties.
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
I know this is really fun but I don't wanna glow anymore
I know. It's cray. Crayon. Crayolaaaaa.
please, i've had weekends with less dignity than this.
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
How can other people our age be acting like adults when I'm still taking my birth control pill with left over gin and tonic from the night before?
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
I tried making my own red bull with crushed up caffeine pills, bubbley water and flintstones chewable vitamins. The ER doctor sead I'm lucky to be alive.
Randomize
