Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
His texts read Like a 15 year olds diary.
you said you get the best orgasms off Pez dispensers. how do you think he felt????
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
I really want to lead this Amish guy into temptation
You got the whole drunk bus to sing, "In The Jungle" while conducting with your glowsticks.
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
But yeah, that is officially the new "I just came" picture
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
His dick is a skeleton key. It fits everywhere.
There's something sensual about taking off a pair of socks.
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
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