Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
She threw up everywhere and is crying about a fictional character who died on Grey's Anatomy
so. which one of us is going to pay for the neighbors new window? it cracked when i threw the bottle at it but smashed when you threw yours.
He just compared himself to a majestic butterfly in regards to the lack of girlfriends. i don't even know what to say.
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
Look if you're not going to be mine and take care of my needs, I'm going to fuck your sisters.
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
I responded with "neat-o burrito" to his SEXT...he tried so hard and I just panicked.
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
After sex he brought chocolates and said he loves RuPaul's Drag Race. How many points does he score for that?
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
Randomize
