Obv we're gonna bbm each other in bed
the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
And then she said "sorry if my vagina smells like fish, it's just active."
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
I would convert to being a Republican and Mormon just to sleep with Romney's sons. The things I would to do them.
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
Randomize
