Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
We shoved chex mix between her tits for her own survival.
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
want to meet me after class and possibly get arrested for indecent exposure?
Kristy will be communicating through my phone. Due to her current blood alcohol level, the laws of Pennsylvania, Erie county, and common decency have deemed that she is no longer permitted to have her own phone.
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
Everytime after he came, he'd laugh uncontrolably for ten mintutes. He was sober..
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
Randomize
