My first STD was from a foam party
You know, as long as there were ice cream breaks, I would totally eat chips for a living.
I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
I just put my hair into this ponytail & it looks hideous & really cool at the same time. I am dedicating it to the hangover I have
begin the sex magic rocket ship countdown
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
Dude, I traded weed for crunch berries. Happy Thursday.
haha all our friends are at the carnival and I'm on stage dry humping a 40 year old
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
who knew my inner goddess was such a whore
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
I do not love him. There is no love. Only sex and meatloaf.
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Randomize
