I fink we're distracting them from bumping the proverbial uglies
She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
he conducted the entire waffle house into singing the song Oklahoma. He was wasted.
Yes. It's so easy to pack to leave when you've thrown away half your clothing cause it smells like vomit.
who am I kidding I don't have any dignity. Plus we're not doing a porno, we're just doing random things naked
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
So if you wanna come get your pants you can. But you have to come in your boxers. Rules are rules!
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
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