my night went downhill once I lost my bikershorts. EAWSSSSYY ACCESS
It was kind of weird
What did your mom walk in?
She flung her tampon across the room.
who's fault is it that she tells me today she is only 16 because i definately met her at the bar...
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
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I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
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Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
He made me choke him and call him Papi..so all in all a good night.
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
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