dude i'm inner monologue high
just once id like to meet someone on craigslist who isnt fat
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
High as balls & about to be tanning. Helloooo 15 minute vacay.
She's been divorced three times and use to raise cock fighters. Of course I'm interested in her
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
God dammit not the cupcake channel. Not when I'm high.
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
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