so he came in my eye... should i throw out my contacts?
i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
Joey just asked me if I ever got anything stuck in my vag.
was it embarrassing when you had to say yes?
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
I can't relate, I like my boobs roaming free like a wild animal, and I occasionally let them devour small children
I've been wearing the same clothes for 3 days and they're covered in franzia
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
Owwww. A manager/ employee sex scandal that DOES NOT involve me! SCORE!!!
We got really high and he took a green marker and made my vagina into a Christmas tree.
Just leave a note saying "riding dick see you in the mornig"
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
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