last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
nobody understood you. You kept speaking french and hiding shit in your boobs
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
They should make a Rosetta Stone that allows men to understand what the fuck women are actually trying to say.
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
HE BEAT A GUY WITH NOTHING BUT RAZZLE DAZZLE AND HIS FABULOUSNESS
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