Same, I didn't even get to be tarzan this summer
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
Did I get stoned on a sunday afternoon and speak to someone on the phone for an hour about cats and their behaviour? Glad you asked. And yes.
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
I woke up naked on my couch playing a video game I thought I had dreamed about... oh yeah, and someone cut my hair.
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
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