Then he told me I had the most beautiful looking vulva
I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
It was an awkward 3some. I took her from behind while he just made out with her.
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Well fuck that. I mean, I made out with my cousin once. Who gives a fuck.
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
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I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
We watched ESPN, hooked up, got waffles. You know, a typical weekend.
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
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