in pain and im wearing pink underwear
so?
i dont own pink underwear
I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
bad to tell him im pregnant over fbook chat?
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
there was this guy running across campus barefoot in the pouring rain stepping in all the puddles. i want his life. and i want to be stripper.
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
Look at the picture I MADE him take with me...like why??? He's holding my foot?
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
Randomize
