cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
Strip mythology. Everyone wins. Most of all me.
She makes him look at her naked pics before she sends them to someone she's actually going to fuck. I think this makes him mayor of the friend zone.
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
I asked him if we were going to get arrested for doing it in the bar parking lot. "Absolutly not" said the guy getting the blow job...
How fast can you get here?\nI need to ride your cock into the sunset.
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
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