My sheets look like a crime scene.
I never want to see another naked old woman again.
2 v-cards in one night. impossible is nothing.
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
i just discovered a movie that charlize theron is a sex addict. i think my prayers have been answered
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
So I think his penis grew over the weekend. Is that possible or does absence make the dick grow longer?
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
See? I told you no boy in roller skates could be entirely straight.
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
Please don't give away my fajitas
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