I plan on using my big titties for evil tonight.
I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
not only was there glitter in the toilet after i peed, but there was some on the toilet paper after i wiped. this cant be healthy.
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
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