why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
I remember asking you "need some dick tonite?"
Yeah I guess to me frat party equals penis party. oh the wonders of vodka.
You would only drink if the space jam soundtrack was playing, you thought it was hilarious that before every shot you said "y'all ready for this".
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And then he came out of the bathroom in a kimono
We watched 'the mighty ducks' last night and took shots every time someone quacked. I woke up this morning wearing a nothing but a hockey jersey laying next to him on the floor. He was wearing a goalie mask. I really wish I knew what happened.
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
Katelyn drunkenly ripped the soap dispenser off the wall so we decided to call it quits
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She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
She got tired so now we're making anyone who has a stupid idea go into her bedroom so she can sleepslur "good idea" or "baaaad idea." We're calling her the queen of the misguided.
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
Sex with you deserves a trophy and a day of remembrance in honor of it.
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
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