my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
So I was blaaazed. & while he was in me all I kept thinking was how bad I'd rather be watching The Office.
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
Can vaginas get frostbite?
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
Watching him is like watching a star slowly implode
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
They gave me patron and potatoes I couldn't say no
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
the cops drove by and you were on your back in the middle of the side walk with your arms and legs in the air yelling that you were a dead bug .
Randomize
