You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
it's a girl!!
That's great, I look forward to meeting her in 18 years
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
Tell Chris I said sorry for yelling "It's my vagina, let me do what I want with it!" at the party last night.
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
eh, I feel I'm heading for a breakdown and I need to get it out of the way before I start writing that lab report.
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Randomize
