I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
She has a t-rex face on a stuart little body.
I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
Just fell down the stairs..might wanna call the ambulance jus take the weed out of my pocket be4 they come..
I a very close black and white picture of my slightly erect penis and I blew it up put it in an art gallery for a show coming up and somebody bought it for 30 Grand!!!
I'm really busy with my period
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