if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
i just google imaged poop.
Mental picture: Us at a bar keeping it classy shot gunning PBR's in the corner.
That was a good example of when keeping it real goes right
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
I love girls that fake tan. Can you say p p p p p p p p pumpkin face
he told me it was a naked video of him so i opened it. i just got rickrolled while sexting
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
Pretty sure I saw a dude across the room give this girl the international hand gesture for "I'm going to fist you later", she seemed ok with it.
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
Well despite the fact that I'm still not entirely sure this isn't an elaborate/cunning plan to kill me, I'm in.
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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