I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
a guy from my religion class just walked in with a red cup. hello first friday of 2nd semester.
come in to starbucks and ill make you a 4loko latte before theyre banned
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
Do ex girlfriends even count for summer sexcapades. Seems like the damage had already been done
Victory lap
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
The stock is going waaaaay up on that picture of my pussy with a bowtie on it.
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
To get him to come she paid for his uber and promised that someone in the house would give him head. it worked
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
Randomize
