You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
he was lying next to me and i saw him text "score" to someone.
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
I am only moving my arms so I remember that I can. These brownies are wild.
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
She is currently drunk and caressing my professor's face with one hand.
I'm worried because he hasn't removed it.
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
We fucked. Had a political debate. I won. So I sat on his face.
Randomize
