Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
How did I roll 7 times this month and survive?\nI must be some sort of ecstasy goddess
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
We're taking a shot every time Landon Donovan takes a shot. It's clever, sort of.
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
I can't give advice right now, I have a yeast infection.
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
Anyways enough about genital fatigue...
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
You've been inside me, dude. There's no such thing as TMI.
Randomize
