there should be a rule- if you jizz on it, you wash it
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
They call it the Collection Couch because all 4 room mates have slept with at least 3 different girls on it. He tried to seal the deal with "would you like to be number 14?"
And sadly I did.
Idk. Each time I ask him about double teaming a woman with Dennis Rodman he just giggles. We will never know what to believe.
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
if you didn' use the plastic sword on the cop. maybe this wouldn't have happened.
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
The last thing I remember was naked hot tub and taking a shot and using the hot tub water as a chaser. Not acceptable.
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
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