Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Ya! She had a north face on tho so she was a classy hooker.
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
Finished watching the entire first season of mighty morphing power rangers. Now I have nothing. Not even a life.
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
I'VE CAME 4 TIMES TODAY. I AM AS DRY AS THE SAHARA, STOP YOUR WHINING.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
Don't forget to make sex 3rd on your calander
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
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